Atonement Revisited
by Kenaran
Summary: Some of the things we learn about Delenn in Atonement can't be kept hidden forever...


Disclaimer: Guess what? _B5_'s not mine. It belongs to Warner Brothers, or JMS or whoever. No money whatsoever is being made, no disrespect meant.

Disclaimer 2: There also is a quote from _Buffy_ in here. That, of course, belongs to the people owning that show. If you spot it, pat yourself on the back – you're a real geek. If you don't, don't worry – I promise to tell you afterwards.

Characters: S, D (I've always thought there should have been more scenes with the two of them. They're just talking though, so get your minds out of the gutter already eg); mention of J/D

Rating: I don't know. T? As I said, they're just talking. Serious subject though.

Timeframe: Takes place shortly after _Atonement_. It's not strictly speaking AU as it fits into the show unless I've committed some oversight. It does, however, contradict comments made by JMS on rastb5m.

Archive: Want? Take. Tell.

Feedback (both positive and negative) is very much welcome. As this is my first piece of fictional writing (not counting elementary school), English is not my native language and it hasn't been betaed (anyone interested?), I strongly suspect there's lots of room for improvement. Please tell me to save me from making the same mistakes again and again.

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**Atonement Revisited**

It was 1 a.m. and Susan was restlessly pacing the station. She was not in a good mood. She was tired and had to get up again in less than 5 hours, yet she couldn't sleep. For the umpteenth time she cursed herself for not having kicked off ISN – that great propaganda machine of Clark and his minions – from her channel list long ago. It would have saved her from zapping into a rebroadcast of their awful "documentary" about the situation on Babylon 5. But she _had_ seen it and now she was furious all over again. How dare that bastard! If he ever made the mistake of crossing her way again, he would regret it. _If_ he had the time to do so…

She had gone on, not really paying attention to her surroundings, and entered the garden area. Just when she was amusing herself with thinking up yet another thing to do to Randall, she noticed a lonely figure sitting on one of the benches. The Minbari crest and the hair saved her from having to play guessing games. Delenn hadn't noticed her, all her attention focused on the Zen garden in front of her. Did she want to be alone? Maybe, but something in her posture spoke of acute loneliness, so Susan took a few steps that brought her right next to the Minbari. Still, no reaction, so she decided to announce herself:

"Trouble sleeping?"

Clearly startled, Delenn looked up, then gave her a warm smile. "I could ask you the same thing."

Ivanova smiled back. "Yes, you could. And the answer would be, yes, I have." After a short pause she added: "Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all."

I had sounded sincere, so Susan sat down beside her. Something was wrong. She knew why she herself was here – to get her mind off her worries she had desperately needed a change of scenery. But Delenn? She had someone to do that exact job for her, she wasn't alone. Unless…

"Did something happen?" The confusion on the other woman's face clearly indicated she didn't get the subtext, so Susan elaborated: "I mean, you and John. Did the two of you have a fight or something?"

Another smile, this one tinged with a hint of… sadness? "No."

That didn't help much. Delenn was now looking at her, obviously considering whether to say more. Patience is a virtue, Susan reminded herself. Finally, Delenn spoke up:

"But something did happen." All of a sudden, she seemed to find the stones to be quite intriguing again. "Something happened a long time ago. And I think I really need to tell him."

The sadness had been unmistakable in those last sentences, but there was more.

"You're scared?"

"Yes."

The word itself had barely been understandable, but the tone of her voice betrayed feelings well beyond simple fear – Delenn was terrified. Not knowing what "something" they were talking about, Susan said the only thing she could think of:

"He loves you. And I don't think there's anything you could say that would change that." Delenn didn't show any reaction at all, still staring ahead, so she continued:

"I _know_ there isn't."

No change. Susan was still debating on what to do now, when Delenn spoke up again:

"You lost your brother during the war, didn't you?"

Talk about change of subject. "Um, yeah?"

Delenn raised her head and looked right into Susan's eyes. "Have you ever wondered what I did during the war?"

Ivanova raised her eyebrows. "As a matter of fact, yes, I have. But I haven't for a long time now."

Another pause, Delenn drawing a deep breath, then: "I was a member of the Grey Council. Even back then."

That was it? While officially she didn't know anything at all about Delenn and the Council, unofficially, of course, Susan had come to know quite a few things. So Delenn had been on the Council just a little longer than she'd have guessed. So what?

"Meaning you were involved in decisions concerning when and where to attack? It was war, Delenn. And it's over."

"You don't understand." Another pause. "It wasn't just when and where, but whether."

Silence.

Delenn looked down again, unable to keep eye contact, while Susan desperately tried to fit that new piece of information into the picture she had of the woman sitting beside her. There were nine people on the Council, meaning they'd have to do some kind of vote, so maybe Delenn hadn't… No, if she had voted "no", they wouldn't be having this conversation now. She must have voted "yes". Delenn had approved the war.

Ivanova let the realization sink in, still trying to make some sense of it. It didn't fit. The woman she had come to know valued life above anything else. Whenever they lost someone – and given recent events that had happened far too often – she looked like her world was crashing around her. She would never condone the killing of thousands over some stupid mistake made by one ship, one crew, one captain… Thousands. Ganya. When she had gotten the news of his death, she could have… Shit. "Did you know Dukhat well?"

Surprise and confusion played on Delenn's face. "He was my mentor."

Figured. "So, from your point of view, some alien ship fired at you without the slightest provocation thereby killing someone very close to you? The war started only a day later, so they must have asked for your vote pretty much right away. You – "

She was interrupted: "Susan, that is no excuse!"

"No, it's not. It's an explanation. You'd do anything for the people you love. It's why we're still here." And a lot lower she added: "It's what I would have done."

Another long silence. Susan tried to break the tension: "Hey, we're all human… Minbari… whatever."

It didn't work. Delenn was still looking at her disbelievingly. "You cannot forgive something like that. I don't deserve it."

"To forgive is an act of compassion. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it."

Delenn seemed to think about that for a moment. "You're very wise."

Susan chuckled. "Thanks for the flowers, but it's not mine. Someone once told me. You may have noticed I'm somewhat prone to bearing grudges." She had hoped poking fun at herself would lighten the mood a little, but no luck. Delenn still looked miserable. "He'll understand."

Delenn was doubtful: "How do you know that?"

"Because for one thing I would kick his sorry ass if he didn't." Finally, she had succeeded in drawing a small laugh from the Minbari. "Seriously though, how can he not, Delenn? I do, and I don't happen to be madly in love with you. He is. It's there every time he looks at you. Every time he talks about you. He doesn't stand a chance. And you're right, you should tell him. Secrets have a way of coming back to haunt you."

Delenn winced. "I know." She got a distant look in her eyes, probably remembering something. "I do." Now she looked at Ivanova again. "Thank you, Susan."

"Any time. Now go see him. He must be worried."

Delenn rose and started to leave, but suddenly hesitated and turned back. "What about you? There must be something that brought you here tonight…"

Susan thought back to Randall and shook her head. He seemed utterly insignificant now, not deserving the kind of attention she'd been giving him. "Just some general restlessness. Don't worry about it. I already feel a lot better."

And oddly enough, she did.

END

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As promised, the Buffy quote is: "To forgive is an act of compassion. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it." Thanks to whoever used it as a sig on Usenet a while ago as I haven't even seen the episode ;-) 


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